Everything I wanna say of my current life

Mon. [ Morning ] Sunny [ Evening ] Raining . Mood : Helpless-ING, Thinking-ing and Learn-ing. 14 Dec 2009

Woke up since 5pm ++ ,
wasn't in mood of studying for Wednesday exam,
thus I watch a movie " Cloudy a chance of Meatball ",
erm .. it's really kind of funny movie .. ^^
and then check on mail , Facebook ,
and then , found out is time for dinner again ...


And here is the part I still to think again ...
maybe emo a bit [ Sorry girl , I did it again .. ] .
Sometime wondering ... Life in Utar .
Now is my Degree Year 1 Semester 2 ,
already 1 and a half year [ 1 year 6months ] ,
comparing when the time I enter foundation ,
I was really a little boy .. knowing nothing ( seriously ),
but now ... thought had change , mind had set ,
perception, value, even my believe to life ...
totally changed ...


For a case now , I'm in FE2 ( my class )
I have my gang of friends , 3 boys 2 girls included me ,
it's was happy , enjoy , everything just fine .
Until today I found out it's not really fine ...
after my Best friend is kinda of busy ( no offend ya ),
I said it so because I felt my gang is not so close together ,
maybe it's just a beginning, as we just know each other for 5,6months,
3 boys 2 girls ... we just chat in school , after school ,
all back to their homes, dinner with housemate ,
dinner with girlfriend , boyfriend .
Actually is was nothing , Really !!!!
because I used to it while in foundation , alone.
But that's why I said thing change ,
I seem to become .. greedy ?
I mean seriously greedy ...
in everything ... tangible or intangible ...


While I saw other people , in westlake ,
they go for dinner in a gang , in a small group ,
I was like ... Loneliness strike on me ? ya I think ...
the feeling was not good ... not good at all ...
the heart felt pain , suffer , barely to breath ..


And yes I'm become greedy ...
I wish my gang can always stick together ...
even 1 or 2 times dinner together per week ,
or even come out yamcha ,hanging around for nothing , kepoh ,
just like other gangs of people in UTAR ,
but it was very less ... very very .. less
I know , all of them has their own life ,
that's why ... I felt HOPELESS ...
it wasn't anybody faults ...
It just mean to be. <<< [ I guess this is the right time to use this phrase ]


In the other hands ,
it was like we hanging around in campus ,
chatting , kepoh-ing or fooling around ,
but I think it deeply , "Do I really know and understand you guys and girls .." ?
what's your favourite color , movies , foods , hobby ?
something that a close friend should know .
From this moment , I felt I'm far apart from you all ...
I'm just too greedy , just can't stand the loneliness .
Life start to change since I'm alone again ,
thought go through my mind ,
times tick tock in my head ,
I can even feel every second is passing ,
every moment is me and only me ,
I ... I ... just hate helpless now ...
[ Cried ... ]

Everyone has their own cycle, own lifestyle ,
I guess is time to find one , my own one .
And I'm now was trying so hard to pulling distance between us ,
my friends , my gang in UTAR , the 3boys 2 girls .
Something I was feeling hopeless , again ,
when some of us was acting like " nothing " ,
or like " it's fine not hanging together " ,
[ P.S no offend seriously ]
well , again , not anybody's fault ,
This is what happen and it's not anyone' fault.


So , facing the current situation ,
and I need to approach some changes ,
[ Some friends say I change a lot recent , ( xD haha ) ,
but yet , changes are need cause I can't stand it anymore ]
I don't want my life full of emptiness ,
I don't want look back my life and it's was "nothing " to be memory .
I want to have my life , full of joys , happiness , and my friends ...

and i guess is time for food delivery again ...
it' almost 1 year with food delivery.. haiz
[ This articles is just to express what I feel and think ,
totally no offend or specialty target on anyone,
and it's just my express ,maybe I just can't stand of loneliness. ]


Some addition info , for myself and half of human in this planet ,Guys .
Guys something big , tall [ physically ] ,
Guys somehow seem fearless [ to cuts or emotion ]
Guys somehow seem strong when facing troubles ,
you might see guys laughing , smiling when facing bad situation ,
negative events , talks or troubles ,
and you were thinking " he should be fine " ,
while actually we are not .
Just wanna say, Guys are not as strong as you think.

Cried , doesn't mean I'm really down 哭，并不代表我屈服；
Stepping back,doesn't mean I'm surrender 退一步，并不象征我认输；
Letting go,doesn't mean I'm giving up 放手，并不表示我放弃；
Smiling , doesn't really mean I'm happy 微笑，并不意味我快乐!